IAmAnon.com: A Comedic Business Start-Up Blog

Elevator music for Millionaires

2012-02-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

After typing in my search bar "That one song from Let's go to Prison with a trombone that gives an ironic tropical feeling " I finally found it...

Today's post-hiatus update is the byproduct of this enlightening experience-- A pallet of soothing music options for the call waiting ring back or elevator of your future business:

For those who lost their one and only true love and want all riders to know:

For those who want to reminisce the days when America was not as "morally flexible" (coined by a friend) as it is today:

For those who want to offer a modern flavor with a culturally diverse twist:

My Reaction to SOPA & PIPA

2012-01-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

This article by EU's TechCrunch was priceless: http://eu.techcrunch.com/2012/01/18/please-censor-the-web-america-the-rest-of-us-cant-wait/

I thought America was a fantabulous place, home of Beiber, Kesha.. Jeez, who else? Oh, yes, and some smart people like that famous Steve Jobs guy, Mr. Page and Mr. Brin, Sir Bezos, Bill Gates, Paul Allen and more.

IN FACT, I just tried to search the web for the exact names of some of the creators of my favorite American-made products but WAIT.. That's right, Wikipedia is on teaser-mode with a black-curtain for 24 hours in an effort to stop this madness. WELP, now I don't know what to do. My apologies for not providing the name of the man who marketed Viagra and the writer of Orange Glo ads featuring Billy Mays.

Anyhow, dear pro-SOPA & PIPAian politicians: If you're goal was to have all the sad Americans on the internet spam your congress people.. Your goal is working.

I work for this giant game company and am AWESOME [Part 1]

2012-01-17T22:57:00.001-08:00

Today's post will be how to appear awesome while living your life as a 25 percenter (statistic totally legit, made up in my head 5 seconds ago)

Actually, it's about working in the tech industry and attempting to seem awesome with limited resources to do so... And, what exactly people in the "AMAZING" video game industry do.

The first thought is: “Oh you play video games”.. My first internal-jpeg is:

Yes, this is what I used to think as well but there are just so many other pieces to game development and publishing it’s almost laughable but more depressing that you just imagine me as a mere MMORPG fanatic (also, dear MMORPG addicts: I admire your levels.. Seriously)

They think: wouldn’t that be neat..

Well, just top clear up some things:

-Playing the games is called TESTING.. Testing is one of the lesser-paid activities in the industry. Not that they aren't very bright, I've met some geniuses, and in my opinion some are so observant that if I had the choice I’d pay double for their feedback!

One of Us.

There are also the PRO testers. These guys get paid more. They’ve been proven and tested. Not only do many opf these addicts play non-stop they go home and play more. Dedication and passion right there.

So setting all that aside, being in the game industry does not necessarily mean you get to play any games. In fact, many of the people I talk with wish they had more time to game!

This article nailed it perfectly. (I love what I do, but this is true on so many levels.)

~~~~~~~~

Let me start this post with an illustration from childhood (actually, about 3 years ago)..

Imagine... (True Story).. I am a mere student, not that humble but had a feeling of authority as I had survived oh-so-many years of college under life-threatening conditions.. Black-mold apartments, ghetto buses, insane roommates, fast-food binges 2-3 times per day, an awful lot of paranoia, and increasing amounts of OCD after taking nutrition and learning about how disgusting the world is, and how everything in the environment is killing us slowly.

SO, here I am. I've made it. 1 hour bus ride. I'm going to answer some questions and get free stuff. A free game or software. I'm on a mission. Heck, I have friends who have turned around and sold this stuff on eBay-- How ingenious is that?! But, no, I was here to trade my cheap opinion for an incredible brand new, unopened piece of software.. Or a mouse not from a thrift store.. This, people, was going to be a great day.

I go in.. "WOW, look at this place!" I go in the bathroom. Look on the counter.. oh My gosh.. Scented bathroom and free lady items. Now people, this is my dream, to work at a place that has these for free. Granted my last job was at a supermarket in their Headquarters in which people stole other employee's Healthy Choice. Not that I would ever need a free one (lady item that is), but the whole idea was pretty radical to me.

Anyhoo, so I get through with these questions and pick out some video game as per requested the roommates since I owed them one for helping me with my accounting homework.. CS majors.. I could never figure out how they were so good at applying all those numbers to accounting. I bus back.. It's a painfully long bus ride. I have no car.. I see these shuttle buses to take employees and think, wow,p ersonal transpo. Crazy!

I get back to campus and continue my life.

FLASH FORWARD some years later..

GAH, I am exhasted, I look terrible. Black lines embedded in my eyes.. It looks like that time I had the 20 hour trip of taxi, planes, walking miles, buses, and more taxis because my parent forgot to pick me up after my flight from over 4,000 miles away.. I open my purse. I don't do makeup but if I over-red these cheeks with blush, it will be less noticeable.. And if I slap this hideously "Lady in Red" lipstick, surely people will not twitch the next time they see me. My hair is everywhere.. Then again life is good. Heck, way better than before.. Other than the fact I look like I do.

I smug off the lipstick *too red makes me look happy and I don't feel like looking that good today, maybe I should save it for another day (actual thought) and Boom* that thought happens.. WOW.. I once was here and thought this was the most amazing bathroom ever.. Imagine that..

~~~~~

So here I am. And, this is awesome. But there are countless misconceptions and hurdles to your quest to looking "awesome"..

The first of which is the notorious NDA.. (Non-Disclosure Agreement). This little gold nugget is the very thing that keeps your company afloat and yet holds you back from appearing just as incredible as you want people to know you are.. Or, at least makes you seem like you barely do anything / it's extremely mundane (which may be the case, but the point it to woo people should you be working on something that definitely is a game-changer *pun unintended)

Essentially, you can't share secrets especially if you're mid-game production. Or things like this happen. And, people get fired, and feelings get hurt, and it's just all around a better idea to just stick with posting that burrito you're going to eat to your Twitter account rather than your super confidential job.

No one told me the tech industry was like working for the CIA. But, apparently it can be. Unless you have this sweet (mostly, until people get mad at the game, in which you are to take the blame or you just plain hate dealing with people) job.. Or, some other PR / marketing job where you travel and can slowly leak pieces bit by bit and get all of the people drooling.

~~~~~~~~

Here is my breakdown of NDAs and how they will affect your mission to appear cool:

Pros:

Defining the line of what you can and can’t say (aka: just keep your mouth closed saving you time and energy).. Which, can cause these effects:
Making you look more mysterious and cooler than you are,
Ending conversations easily with people who are irritating you,
Surprising / awing your friends when your product is released,
Other people don’t sink your company by sharing all the top secret things
Keeping things under control in the company with the gossipy folks,
You’re company will probably make more profit because everything isn’t being copied quickily by some knock-off company,
You can say things in interviews like: “My work enabled the release of a AAA title that sold over 100 units within the first 3 months with a tight deadline under ambiguous conditions and managed a team of developers remotely from Seattle”
Cons:

You seem extremely boring,
You can’t brag about specific achievements, which is all the rage with humans,
You can’t share neat, “AMAZING” things that happened at work within the past three months (depending how long your product cycle is)
If you ever try to date (extremely important among nerds desperate to find their soul-mate) someone that isn’t techy they may not understand whatever you are vaguely hinting about. They may find you pretentious or lacking in interesting hobbies.*

*Unless they too are a strange sect of human, or you are a BROgrammer (extreme stereotyping here but I’ve met countless people that would definitely agree with this)

You have to say things in interviews like: “My work enabled the release of a AAA title that sold over 100 units within the first 3 months with a tight deadline under ambiguous conditions and managed a team of developers remotely from Seattle”

So, then with this NDA in between you and your goals of looking awesome, since you can't beat it, you might as well use it as the excuse coupling it with your incredibly large, impressive vocabulary to create vague, over-the-top descriptions of your job / current project... The less sense it actually makes, and the more syllables in the descriptor words, the better.

--End of Part 1, Part 2 coming soon!

Your Social Network sucks

2011-12-13T02:40:00.000-08:00

After hustling many people within my realms of social networks I came upon the realization: 85% of my "friends" are useless. Now I'm not saying that friends are useless but that when it comes to the plight of an entrepreneur, fundraiser, or any other sort of grass-roots org. hustler in need of some encouragement this could very well be the fact for me.. I now realize what all the tech start-up kids who are living via mac & cheese (which is delicious in small portions) and cheap rent. NEVER GIVE UP.. REJECT REJECTION. My respect has skyrocketed for fundraisers and entrepreneurs everywhere.

Now, of course, that's easy for me to say.. I was standing in the shower pondering: "Why is this SO hard?"

Follow up thoughts:

The project needs something
I need to hone in on my pitch
They never actually cared about me / my ideas
They have some angle and this project doesn't hit that angle just perfectly
I need more social networks
I need new friends
I need rethink everything
I need to bribe people
I need to re-read all those corny marketing books to rediscover what I learned in business school (The whole thought of picking up anything preachy with highlighted text still sickens me.)

Then I thought back to every networking event I've ever been to... The speeches of strife, despair, and failed attempts to get people to listen-- and of course, those who do those speeches are now successful and everyone and their hubby wants to shake hands and add them to their "friend" list. That's Right! I thought.. Most people go through this.. All I have to do is be "In one ear out the other" with non-helpful / uninspiring feedback.. Not to say I won't take constructive critisism, but all those supposed people I thought that cared.. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I do recall many hours spent genuinely caring and now it was my turn. I suppose the entire theory of trading doesn't work but I thought this might work..

I could try any number of things, which I will do. I hate to spam my friends, but even best selling books written soon after the AC have the same lessons that hordes of VC / start-up books review..

After being fantastically disheartened by the lack of response among my 5 year network that I've tried to perfect I realized: Wow, many of us are so wrapped up in our own silly lives we can't even step outside to see what the others are doing (myself included..)

For the Entrepreneur / Fundraiser on edge, about to give up some inspirational tips for your mission:

Don't just sit there-- well sit there but chat / talk up a storm! Be passionate & find other passionate people!
Nervous? Act like you're super confident. Stand straight, smile a lot (Dale Carnegie book). Try it for 1 day. It works.. I know living proof.
Don't feel bad that everyone says: "OH great idea!" and then ignores all follow up messages asking for a little bit of backing-- Perhaps it's you're pitch or perhaps it's that they're all talk.. Maybe, a bit of both-- tweak your pitch and move on.. Be incredibly ditsy and pretend it didn't happen.
Absorb compliments but don't think that the work is over. I made this mistake: "Oh, everyone is telling me it's awesome.. I'll just rely on social media to get me through this". Wrong! It's all about you getting those fingers tapping and conversations started* Which tends to be where I procrastinate.
Be genuine. No one truly likes a BSer. As Dale Carnegie said in one of his infamous books from the 60s: "How to Win Friends and Influence People".
-->Just to note, his book is one of the best things since coldcuts but if you just make all these friends and don't finally try to pitch to a few of the potentials who could be great partners / donors then that entire book will just be about having a billion "friends" and "followers" with no substance... A perpetual circle of compliments and sympathy with no substance (very nice when you're in the mood for cocktail parties and practice socialization).
#1 Have faith & KEEP Going!! You're Idea is GREAT, tell people, WHO cares what critics think (unless it's some unethical operation and/or illegal).
Don't Spam people (too much)-- reach out just enough to get them salivating for more.
Figure out a way to get others to do the dirty work for you. Like the examples in Malcolm Gladwell's "the Tipping Point".
Ask people for help-- it's amazing who turns out helping you out of nowhere.
Give people time-- Use Inception *cough*
Continuously tell yourself you're doing great, count all your blessings, focus on the good times.
Thank people who support you immensely for their assistance-- Those are people who care about you, savore and give thanks for every backer. Treat each one like a shining start. Don't be fakey but every time you feel weary-- concentrate on the successes. If you have none, think of your future success.

Now I'm not saying I don't like my friends, or that being a nice person online isn't fine, dandy and fulfilling. Rather I'm speaking to the business/non-profit side of things.. During my shower I almost wanted to purge some friendships due to frustration and their lack of support.. I also was curious and extremely happy to see who reacted well. It wasn't about the money but rather just the willingness and genuine care they offered..

I learned that I too do this to countless people and should put my money / action where my mouth is.

So good luck to your venture!! Do you have a current non-profit, business, or other fundraiser you're working on? Would be delighted to see what others have to say.

Cheers,

~Anon

The 1% (are actually faking it)

2011-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

So I almost forgot to mention. I was invited to a Yacht club party. Ironically a good friend of mine who makes quite a hefty amount of change at his current tech job called it the "1% party".

I'd say it was more of the "10%ers" I'll tell you this much about 10%ers. Half of those people you think are rolling in dough are just really good at bargain hunting and keeping up appearances with their high-end bags and bedazzling shoes or fancy suits.

Just because you own a yatch or large ship, it definitely does not mean you have gobs of money. I struck up a conversation with a guy who was well onto his 5th glass of wine while stooped over the salmon sashimi platter for far too long and began with the tackiest subject I could think up: RVs and the pains of sewage and pumps on boats (I actually don't know too much about boats, but i know enough to get me through about a paragraph of exchange). He opened up. Turned out he just looked rich and acted like a high roller but really he was just a normal guy and was secretly living aboard his boat as a fisherman (some marinas in the Bay Area no longer allow live aboards). He described the good seasons and bad.

A lot of people with old money or saved / got lucky enough to retire.

Many of you may already know the following tip of the day, but just in case, here is something that was said several times that day from a family friend who used to work at Adobe when they were new and also taught as a professor at a well-known University: "The only reason I was able to retire was because I put every penny the company allowed me into my 401k and stock options." He was such a ballsy person he had traveled all the way to Chile from America to visit his wife and son by sail.

San Francisco & Seattle: The Differences

2011-12-11T19:37:00.000-08:00

Went on a trip this weekend. Out of nowhere. I figured if I'm not going to get to go on business trips, I'll send myself on personal "business trips". After all my life is a business of sorts. Which would make those who have invested at least $300,000* on me my "stakeholders" (the parents I suppose).

So ANYWAY, I go on this trip with a purpose, firstly to get a feel for life around there since I used to live there and it seems that every person I know if leaving Seattle going to San Fran (or perhaps it's just in my tiny circle). I figured I'd say hello. Primarily because I'm working at marketing a non-profit down there and what better way to get inspiration than actually checking out the venue site.

I packed my bags as light as I could the night before with a mix of attractive and down-and-dirty (not knowing the circumstances of the venue).

Here were my takeaways from the trip, on a completely biased level:

San Francisco dwellers tend to introduce people by status: "This is __(name here)___ he/she works at ___(company here)_____." Versus Seattle people I speak with: "This is ___(name here)_______ he/she is ____(single)____ and likes ___(uninteresting hobby here)___." Perhaps this is because most of my acquaintances in Seattle are from corporate america and are slowly trying to make their way up the Maslow hierarchy of needs.
In downtown SF, the distinct smell of cheap beer for 1 block, then urine smell the following block. Ahh, just like Portland.
The entrepreneurial-minded people and extreme cases of unemployeed and successful people.
How are there so many Filipinos?! San Bruno malls: the most Asians I've scene. Nothing wrong with that, but since my hostess also was Filipino it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
The horrific price of apartments in shady areas and long wait lists for parking spots (best story heard: 12 years for 1 spot, by the time it was available, the lady retired.
Much better fashion than Seattle. FURRY coats for men? Yes. Finally, I don't have to go to the women's section for metrosexual gifts.
Terrifically pothole-covered roads.
A slew of ethnic food options
As many Walgreens everywhere in the county as there are Starbucks in Seattle.
More women

All in All: I loved the zest people have and start-up nature and can completely see the draw. The cost of living and income tax is rather much though. Upon arriving in Seattle, I enjoyed knowing exactly what was going on as it's my stomping ground and.. touching rail bars, etc is nice..

Those were just some thoughts while wandering around.. Most time was spent learning the area and standing in shock outside that sun truly does exist as it had been 2.5 weeks since I had been near any sunlight (upon exiting the airport I stood dazed and confused.. Not knowing whether I should be delighted or outraged at the lack of sun in the Puget Sound)..

Thought of the trip as heard from a serial entrepreneur: "I normally hate talking to people on airplanes.. However, if I'm flying to or from California or in first class I sometimes try to start a conversation.." (It was this and several other turn of events that eventually led him to sell his tech business for millions. Of course, this was just one tiny piece, there definitely seemed to be sweat and blood involved as well.)

So, I did this on my way back to Seattle but not with any angle, I just love talking to strangers. Everyone, no matter who they are, knows something I probably don't. And, everyone has had unquie experiences that I may never have (not that I'd necessarily want them, but even those who seem less well-to-do have interesting life tips..), The guy I talked to was a Canadian. He had that distinct look on his face as if he needed to go to a Catholic church and confess his sins. Mixed with that devious smile of satisfaction. After exchanging a few words he said he went to SF for a "Christmas Party", and had to drive from Vancouver, Canada because round-trip, due to taxes was 500 bucks and if he just drove to Seattle it was 200 bucks. He went on to say that it was "Crazy" and his friend wanted him to house sit for 3 weeks.. After which he said, he'd surely "be divorced" should he take up that offer.. Ahhh, if only I had the Vulcan mind melt for my entertainment during the flight.

*Wall Street Journal (The price listed on the website, add a lot for the toys required to reduce my whining and babysitters),
*Baby Calculator, perfect for dissuading excited parents

Breakfast of Champions

2011-11-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

DAY 1: Get Ideas Flowing

Sometimes amazing things happen in people's minds.

Everyday you probably have one INCREDIBLE idea and it is brushed under the table due to some distraction...

Look at these "eggs". Now, you KNOW you've had a better idea than this at one point or another.

For today, walk around with a notebook. If you're too Web 2.0 for that use your cell phone. Look at something that you eat or use all the time. Now think: How could this be better?

Write it down. Or, draw it. Or, type it... Heck, you could even text a friend. If you won't make it might as well pass it to someone else to improve your life so they can make a million dollars.

I'm still not sure what sort of profit elongated, tubed boiled eggs make.

If you are still stuck because you are one of the most unoriginal copy-cats of all time do this double-whammy activity:

Go up to a stranger that seems like an average Joe (no need to intimidate yourself unless you're up for a challenge... the guy making your food, the lady you almost knocked down getting on the bus, or if you rarely see people send a text on your phone to that stranger you never met from the internet..)
Don't be creepy (be normal don't wheeze and stare, hopefully you'll be use to interaction)
Find something in common.. You could even find a common complain you might share ie, a long line.
Introduce yourself (who really cares what they think.. Good practice either way)
Ask them their name and try to keep it in your memory (people are full of themselves, they love their own names)
Ask them: "If you could make ANYTHING, what would you create??" You could make it less vague, like: "What is something that bothers you often?"
Close conversation, share ideas, even brainstorm solutions, leave
If possible end with their name and wish them a good day. If you've forgotten it, re-ask and say Have a good day using their name.
Come up with a solution to that problem

Come up with anything juicy?? Post below or please do e-mail!

Even if it's crazy.. Some crazy things sell millions. I mean seriously, look at "Snuggies".

Migration Patterns

2011-11-27T14:34:00.001-08:00